Face your fear - Issue #7

I wanted to catch up to you all and explain why I've been off the radar for the last couple of weeks - getting into a month now.

Some of you might know that my mother has Alzheimer's - she was diagnosed with it 9 years ago, although it had been pretty obvious for longer - and she degenerated rapidly. Four years ago she couldn't remember who we were (my family) and was violent, yet still living at home. Two years ago, after my father collapsed through the weight of looking after both himself and my mother, she was assigned to a home and has been there since.

Through Covid and isolation, she became bedridden, and for the longest time now hasn't been able to put a sentence together - when we were lucky she might have said hello, though we believed it was from muscle memory, not through recognition of what the word meant. Three weeks ago, I got the call from my father that she had had an attack at the home, and the doctor had given her anywhere between 24 hours and two weeks.

The time we had all known was coming, was here.

It's a strange thing, waiting for something for years, and then it being turned into a definitive time frame. It threw me. I lost interest in most everything. When reading, nothing stuck - I had to reread whole pages because I was skim reading. My writing dribbled to a stop. I floundered, it was pretty much like floating. Waiting for the next phone call.

Living in Austria, visiting England is a major event. Flying there costs money. Hiring a car costs money. Eating, lodging, traveling, you can estimate a week costing between 1-2000 British Pounds, and that staying at my father's. I have a responsibility to be at the funeral of my mother, yet due to her medical donations (donor card), it might take up to two weeks for her organs to be processed after her death, if they are used at all (though old, things like eyes remain very usable). It became a worry over intent - should I go and say goodbye to my mother whilst I am still able to do so, or be there for the funeral? Both (2-4000 pounds) are a hefty amount - I can afford it, but it's a big investment on placating my emotions. As I said - I have been floating for some time now.

On Friday, my father visited my mother in the home, and as we do every time he visits her, we what's app video one another. I saw my mother again.

I swear, she hasn't looked that good for years.

And I realized - I'd been wasting all this time. Those weeks of waiting for her to die had been the most useless, irresponsible waste of the time that she gifted me. I'd been living each moment wanting the waiting time to be over. Chasing an event that is going to happen anyway, finally ending a chapter of my life that has been an open page for so long.

And how stupid that is.

In the Sadeiest, I even wrote on the Goodreads page that there is no social commentary in the book other than "Life should be lived".

So I'm taking my own advice to heart. And living every moment as it comes, and not waiting for the trauma that will eventually be. Because it's coming, sure as taxes. But until it does - I'm going to live as much as I can, write as much as I can, and use the time that I have. I wanted to send an apology out to everyone who was waiting on reviews, on book reads, on Beta reads, on ARC reads, my crit partners - you get the picture.

But I'm back. And I'm raring to go. Thanks for your patience, and I know I don't have to apologize, I know you guys understand and have my back, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't say it out loud. I let myself feel down - it doesn't happen often. But that's done. Time to move on. The world is astonishing, and amazing, and it's time to get back to appreciating that.

The Dawn Chorus (my creature feature)

...Is still progressing - I am writing about 500 words per day on Boon and Carly's fight against the Vaxers - a horde of invisible predators - my multiverse creature feature. Hopefully, I'll have more news on that next month when sketches for the cover are finalized (I hope!).

The Masocheist

Is all but finished in its first draft, I'm hoping to write "Here ends The Masocheist, to be continued in XXX (the next title will be finalized soon)" and then head straight into editing next month. And it's big. Big big. And awful things happen. And it hurts to get through. But that's the story.

The Rejects

I'm putting together a collection of short stories to showcase my writing called "The Rejects" - this year I managed to get into the Horror Writer Association's Mentor program, under Michael Knost (previous winner of the mentor program's Best Mentor) and we are concentrating on making that collection happen. I'm pretty excited about sharing these shorts with you.

and finally...

My kids are moving out this summer! After twenty one (going on twenty two) years of raising them, My son is moving out to continue his degree and get an apartment to be near his work placement part of his degree, and my 18 year old daughter is going to Spain to Au Pair for a year.

I have no idea how I am going to be able to cope with the silence, but I am expecting an increase to my productivity. Can't wait!

Ok. That's me for this month. Be exceptional this year 🤜🤛

Andy (Austrian)